Coping Quietly; Self Blame vs Self Neglect

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If I received M-pesa every time I heard this, wouldn't we all be happy?

“It is what it is.”

“That’s just how people are.”

“At least it’s not worse.”

“You know how life is.”

“I’m fine, I’ve learned to manage.”

"Just don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed"

They are never said with bitterness. If anything, anyone who says this sounds calm, even wise, as though they define emotional maturity. But many of them are not signs of healing. They are signs of getting used to things. And getting used to things is not the same as being at peace.

Self-blame has a bad reputation, and for good reason. It can spiral into shame, self-punishment, and emotional paralysis. But before it becomes destructive, self-blame begins as awareness. It asks:Why does this keep happening to me?, Why do I feel hurt here?, Why am I the one always adjusting?, Even when the conclusions are wrong, the instinct is honest: something feels misaligned.

Self-blame is loud. Uncomfortable. Emotionally messy. You'll feel so bad over accidentally having given the wrong answer in a group setting and want to erase you existence, it happens. It refuses to pretend that pain is normal.

Getting used to things doesn’t ask questions; It doesn’t analyse. It adapts. You hear it in everyday language: “That’s marriage.” “Men don’t talk, you just learn to live with it.” “Jobs are stressful, everyone is tired.” “Families are like that.” “No relationship is perfect.” 

Each statement carries a quiet instruction: lower your internal alarm system. Over time, you stop noticing the imbalance. You stop naming disappointment as disappointment. You stop recognising neglect as neglect. This is why getting used to things is more dangerous than self-blame. It doesn’t hurt loudly. It erodes slowly.


Where Self-Blame Hurts the Self, Getting Used to Things Abandons It

Self-blame says, “Maybe I’m the problem.” Getting used to things says, “There is no problem.”

And when there is no problem, there is nothing to address, nothing to renegotiate, nothing to leave or repair. You simply endure; politely, quietly, convincingly. This is how people stay too long in relationships that drain them, workplaces that dehumanise them, and systems that benefit from their silence. Not because they don’t know something is wrong, but because they have been trained not to call it wrong. 

The goal is not to live in constant self-interrogation, nor to harden into emotional numbness. Balance lives in discernment. Discernment allows you to say: This isn’t my fault, and it still isn’t acceptable. I understand the context, and I still deserve better. I can cope, and I can also choose not to.

Balance doesn’t rush to blame the self, and it doesn’t rush to excuse the world. It holds reality and self-worth in the same frame. If your peace depends on how much of yourself you no longer bring into the room, that peace may be borrowed. And if your strength is measured only by how much you can tolerate, it may be time to ask a different question, not “Can I live with this?” but “Should I have to?”

That question is not rebellion.

It is self-respect finding its voice again.

Let's go back to the Basics.

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