but, Do I Want to Forgive?

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 I have been struggling with Forgiveness as an act and as a philosophy for a while so I went in to see my doctor about it and the whole time I’m seated there listening to her, I’m thinking “it's not fair.” She’s talking about forgiveness and how it's choosing to accept what happened instead of focusing on what should’ve, that it simply means letting go and stepping into the present instead of anchoring in the past and don’t get me wrong, she’s right, I agree with her. But I still can't stop thinking, “do I want that?, do I just let go?”

People think that not forgiving is anchoring into the past, and I’m here thinking about how I still feel like it happened this morning. If it really was in the past, it would remain there, like childhood memories or toys or childhood friends. But this, trauma doesn’t feel like that, it's like every day I go to the cinema to watch it happen all over again in 3D, every day. And she’s seated there across me saying, "let go?" "Forgive?"

Maybe I’m a little mad and I’m not looking at this objectively but what happens after forgiveness? You’ll feel better apparently, and as someone who hasn’t forgiven, I can't know if that’s true or not but- and this here is my problem with the whole forgiveness structure, do I forget what happened after I forgive? Does my life cease to have that moment, does the cinema close? Because I believe everyone is capable of forgiveness, perhaps even me but I have to forgive AND keep reliving this? I forgive but I get to keep these memories? I dunno, that sounds extremely tedious to me.

I simply don’t think everyone deserves forgiveness, I think forgiveness for me is like letting them go from my hate jail when they deserve to be sentenced for multiple lifetimes. And I know there’s a toll on me but I’d rather pay that toll than live life having let go of something that hurt me this much. What happens after forgiveness? Because regardless of whether I forgive them or not, their life remains unchanged and unconsequential and that already makes me so mad and yet I should forgive and just let go?

I’m sorry but I just don’t get the appeal.

 

 

 

Let's go back to the Basics.

Comments

  1. AnonymousDecember 13, 2022 at 9:52 AM

    I don't know about you but, I find it extremely refreshing how this article manages to voice exactly how I feel on a daily basis.

    ReplyDelete
  2. YvonneMay 9, 2023 at 9:48 AM

    It is the part where you've said their life remains unchanged and unconsequential that got to me. Great job Muinde.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJune 8, 2023 at 10:13 AM

    This is soo real! I just read my thoughts written by someone else

    ReplyDelete

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