the ugly, self discovery

 The one thing they won't tell you about self-discovery is that you really find out things about yourself. And there is allure in that, you become more certain. You become more confident in yourself, develop a sense of self that connects you better with who you are, make better decisions overall, and appreciate yourself more. But the thing we know but aren't exactly aware of as we begin this journey is that no one is perfect. 

The one thing they won't tell you about self-discovery is that you find out things about yourself that aren't as impressive as we hope. We find out things that are ugly and unpleasant. And we're not ready so it's a little like a horror scene in a PG-rated film. It really takes you back, the discovery of the human monstrosity that is ourselves. And I know what you are thinking, ''the point to self-discovery is that we fix those parts of ourselves right?'' But this is where words really begin to play. See, we fix parts of ourselves that are broken, not parts of who we are that are awful. Again these are parts of who we are, it's a manufacturing problem at this point. The attempt to fix these parts means that we destroy a part of who we are. And it's possible yes, but are you you anymore if you're trading in parts of who you are for allure? The first book I ever wanted to write growing up was going to be called Necessary Evil, it was going to be about the villain that wins. And that is exactly what's going on. We need to understand that parts of ourselves that are ugly are often parts of who we are for particular reasons. When you discover parts of yourself that are for example selfish, instead of pass judgment on your selfishness, you must understand the other side of that coin, that is, your selfishness facilitates that you can put yourself first. So instead of wanting to change that about yourself, you only moderate it. You could find out that you are emotionally aggressive and instead of looking to change that, you understand that it gatekeeps how sensitive you are. You get the point.

I think that self-discovery is a lot more about self-acceptance as is about discovery. That we do not undergo these spiritual awakenings and emotional intelligence journeys to become afraid of what we find, to replace these parts rather to better understand and embrace. To become better not to become new.